Jimmy Kimmel opened his latest monologue with a smirk and a sigh—the kind he reserves for nights when the news cycle is so absurd he barely needs writers. And this week? The absurdity was practically overflowing.

Because in the span of a few days, Donald Trump managed to:

✔️ Brag about hosting the Kennedy Center Honors

✔️ Declare Jimmy Kimmel a “horrible” host

✔️ Claim he was “98% responsible” for selecting this year’s honorees

✔️ Accept a completely made-up “FIFA Peace Prize”

✔️ Pick a fight with Larry Ellison

✔️ And drag Marjorie Taylor Greene into yet another media circus

And that wasn’t even the wildest headline.

Hollywood itself erupted after reports that Netflix is buying Warner Brothers, sending the industry into a tailspin. Meanwhile, the Pentagon’s latest scandal—our “Secretary of War Crimes” refusing to say whether he will release footage of a controversial “double tap” airstrike—added a dark and disturbing layer to the week’s chaos.

Through it all, Jimmy Kimmel didn’t just survive—he announced he’s staying at ABC even longer.

Let’s break it down.

TRUMP VS. KIMMEL: ROUND 438

Trump kicked things off by whining that Jimmy Kimmel is a “horrible host,” insisting that if he—Donald Trump—can’t beat Kimmel in terms of talent, then he shouldn’t be president.

Kimmel’s response?

A slow blink and a list of Trump’s “talents” that had the audience roaring:

• “He’s excellent at losing elections.”

• “He’s world-class at creating fake awards for himself.”

• “He might be the first president to get indicted in every time zone.”

• “And he’s undefeated at forgetting what he just said five minutes ago.”

Then Jimmy leaned in:

“Donald, if talent decided elections… you wouldn’t be mayor of a sandbox.”

THE KENNEDY CENTER HONORS: TRUMP’S REWRITE OF REALITY

Trump also bragged that he was originally supposed to host the Kennedy Center Honors—an event presidents traditionally attend, not host. He further claimed he played a massive role in shaping this year’s honoree list, citing a very specific number:

“I was 98% involved.”

Kimmel, baffled, replied:

“What does that even mean? Did he pick the nose and someone else picked the rest of the face?”

THE “FIFA PEACE PRIZE”: THE AWARD THAT DOESN’T EXIST

And then the pièce de résistance.

Trump proudly accepted the first-ever ‘FIFA Peace Prize’, an award FIFA later clarified does not—and has never—existed.

Jimmy put it bluntly:

“Imagine being so desperate for validation you start giving yourself awards from foreign sports leagues.”

He held up a mock trophy featuring a soccer ball glued to a golden ham sandwich:

“This is the prestigious ‘IHOP Medal of Bravery.’ I just awarded it to myself for eating a pancake too fast.”

The audience howled.